i think of you every day

you are the cross-stitch

in my guts

and i cry for us

the marks of which

crucified within me

i hold like a madonna

and i cry, tetelestai

forgive me for

my innocence

the way i broke

the heart of you

forgive me for

the love i gave

and poured like blood

into your veins

forgive me for

god forsakenness

which heralds only

our doubt indubitable

forgive me for the kisses spent

and lost in lines of narrative

forgive me for the noah’s ark

that carried us away

towards the flood

i held you within

a pure hope

glory was in this

simpleness

you held my hand

we held the way

like christ, the truth

the life and us

and we reached

separating fathoms

of hell with our arms

and you were all good

and all the kern of beauty

and how i held, love

and held, love

and held

you were my sanity

the drumming beat

of constancy, you

were the leaven

of the holy bread

and eucharistic

element, you gave

grace and grace upon

that grace upon

and i have never

moved beyond this

terrifying grace

the day you stopped

and massacred me

i was all you knew

i was and more

and i deserved

the loss of you

for i am loss

and always been

and you ended me

and cut me off

from grace in me

and i have never since

seen any light

nor seek again

for once grace

has been

she never comes again

forgotten

i have forgotten the way it happened

i felt tongues fall on me

an early pentecost

the way you called my name

the slipshod waste of want

now derived and denuded

soon the way would open

to the waters of babel

linking us to limits already

set and we would smile

and importune and god

would flee the scene

as manifold as kazanzakis’ jesus

at temptation we are all human

i felt your breath askance

on my neck and heard my name

from your pensive lips, lips

that broke my flesh

and peered into my subterranean

innards, a heart is only a heart

with in blood

the cock crowed

crow was hidden in a scene
jesus at a palace and a simple
disciple warming hands at fire
the questions, the denials
betrayals
crow remembered the crow
of a cock, a morning cock
preceding the deaths and swollen
mournings, a crow of death
crow was goosebumps
crow knew another had
followed at a distance
this beloved and steps deliberate
singling out the grace to come
he could see three structures
upon a hill and a one bent there
as good as god
as good as god

crow remembered crowing then
at this scene, as seen to be
how crows dismay
crow was in flight now
as crow’s fly

The wind was lower than the day before the day before

And I was anticipating

And I marked by time

By breathing, again and then

I looked up occasionally

Petulant in hope

And you still were not there

What was it within that charged like this

That would not relent

That would not stop

I heard the margins between the cane

Surging with me, the wind tactile

And you were still not there

I gazed from face to happened face

To find your eyes, the mark of which

I held before and held and held and held

I turned and heard the wings of some

Illustrious winged ones and I knew I was not Icarus

Then you were there as sudden as a heartbeat

And I could not breathe

The wind rose and ran upon me like a new day

And I held in momentary loss

The world, the words that were no longer mine

Intuit

intuit

 

innocence is my desire

a virgin birth's ennui

and in some of my dreams

i am child again

rambling alongside the house

touching plants, tasting sand

dust to dust to this

i forget at times that i used to live

live somewhere else and not in this place

this mind that seems lost, dis-moored

membered in disgrace

i point to the innocent

and feel the loss as if i once was so

i feel it desperate within

like a mother within the womb

without

and a child with a suckling breasts

without

i cling to naivety

but it does not talk to me

instead it smiles and forgets

and i am alone without the dust

for those who are never melancholy

i say, do not try to understand

you never were me

never will be